I haven’t written in a while. That’s because I’ve been in a whirlwind of emotions and big life changes. Not to mention some physical changes that has proven itself to be more challenging than I thought it would be.
I’m becoming a mommy. Sometimes I can’t even believe it myself. I look down at my growing belly and think “OMG, my child is in there!” A baby boy. A child half me and half my husband. A child for which, in the last 6 months, I already feel an unexplainable love. The deepest kind of love…
You see, I’ve wanted this child since I was a little girl. Playing with dolls, pretending to be a mother. Even at such a young age I knew one of my biggest goals was to nurture life. I waited 30 years to give it a try.
When we got married, Daniel and I decided to wait a few years. Travel. Spend money frivolously. Enjoy each other’s company. Just us. We agreed around age 30 we would start trying. Thankfully, it didn’t take long for me to see that positive pregnancy stick. I was so excited, I fell to my knees, crying and thanking god for this miracle.
I broke the wonderful news to Daniel by giving him a coffee cup that said papa bear with my pregnancy stick inside (don’t worry we washed it lol). We cried in each other’s arms.
The first three months consisted of me feeling nauseous almost 24/7 and having a weird metallic taste in my mouth. I only threw up once, thankfully, and that was actually from a migraine. But I never wanted to sleep more in my life! I felt like the baby was literally taking all my energy. Which I was okay with, of course.
Month 3 would prove to be the most challenging. One thing about being pregnant in this day and age: You have to do so many tests. Especially in the first few months. The doctors scare you with percentages (especially as you age) and you see the doctors office at least once a month. I would easily describe myself as someone who can obsess over something I care about and at the same time worry to the point of serious anxiety. I read everything and asked many questions of the doctors. Anything they told me I would go home and google for hours. I was worried about what I ate, the way I moved, and how I felt. The guilt started (which I’m learning is kind of a lifelong trait of motherhood).
Month 4, I started feeling better and worrying less. We were out of the most dangerous months. Tests were coming back great and we were told baby looks strong, and healthy. I was told to stop worrying and start enjoying the pregnancy .
My emotions really started to shift. I felt better. Just starting to deal with the physical aches and pains a bit more but I wasn’t nauseous anymore and no weird taste. I welcomed the second trimester. This was going to be so much easier, right?
Well here’s the thing. Us pregnant women are dealing with our thoughts, aches, not being able to take certain medicines, etc. The worry never really goes away, it may become less, but it’s there. I even had a night of being rushed to ER due to well… doing too much. I pushed my body. Running around, helping those around me, and was honestly a little stressed. My body was begging to rest! So that’s what I did.
In the 6th month (which I’m currently in now) I felt this sudden relaxation in my mind and body. The pounds did start packing on and none of my regular clothes fit. My feet started to swell. My back started to hurt, BUT mentally and spiritually I was starting to feel great. Helping my mom pick things for the shower, thinking of the maternity shoot and anticipating my mini baby moon coming up.
THEN the biggest shock came. Coronavirus was officially invading the USA and everything was about to change!
I would have never imagined in a million years that at 6 moths pregnant I would be dealing with a pandemic. Plans had to be cancelled. Parties had to be postponed. But most importantly; my ability to protect my baby boy was all of a sudden threatened. I called my doctor. I researched. I panicked. I can say with no shame… I was having small daily panic attacks. Something I haven’t experienced in many years.
I was being told that even if I got it, baby would be okay. So that helped but there was still limited information. As long as baby boy is okay I would go through ANYTHING.
And that’s when I knew I became a mother already.
The knowledge of knowing how you would do anything for your child is overwhelming. But at the same time reassuring. To know … this little tiny being is already so loved. And his mommy will do anything to keep him safe. In or out the womb.
I started meditating to stop feeling like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I started praying and realized that this was indeed part of God’s plan and I put my trust in a higher power. Then, I started praying for the scientist and medical workers out there fighting this thing. I started spending more time with HIM. The little boy I love with all my heart and soul. The boy I would already give ANYTHING to.
We knew his name since before we were pregnant. I’m not ready just yet to disclose his full name to the world, but I will say it involves him being a warrior who is a gift from god. I found it amusing how fitting his name seems now.
My pregnancy journey isn’t over. I have about 3 months left. But my motherhood journey has just begun. And to anyone whose dreaming about kids, trying, pregnant, or already parents… I think we can all agree; the emotional and spiritual growth that occurs is like no other. But more than anything; it’s a love like no other….
This pandemic is terrible. But it’s a chance to reconnect with our true selves. A chance to remember what’s really important. And a chance to show the fighter within all of us.